Dearest Ryder, my son. This title coming from my mouth still feels so new and  full of wonder but not at all foreign or strange.  My son is so familiar to me its like I've always known him & yet not at all knowing much about him. Although Not so much as an ounce of me REALLY wants to see him grow any bigger than this because this time is so precious and sacred to me. But, I suppose each moment & phase will be so. 
In life before there was him, I thought  i wanted to freeze & slow down time and now, this post Ryder life is a whole new level of longing for something that cannot be. I find myself practicing often this act of surrender involved in parenthood as I want to love him with every ounce of who I am. but, I attempt to exercise my weak muscle of restraint when it comes to this boy for i don't want to be shocked when he no longer needs me the way he does, or the inevitable, no longer wants me the way he does now. That is a sobering feeling which makes me want to call my mom and call my Dad and weep with every apology of adolescence & early adulthood where i rejected, ignored, acted unappreciatively, proudly, rudely etc... etc... etc..
I wonder, how did they not say to me "i put everything aside for you, sacrificing my time my sleep, my freedom my days, my nights my ability to choose when i ate, drank, went to the bathroom,  showered, shopped...." how did they not say in so many words & explain "i loved you before you even knew how to love me back! you were my dream & my dream come true and i wiped your bum, washed your clothes, bathed your body, held your head and i was your life support!.."  so dont you DARE ...----- {fill in the blank.} But thinking back i suppose my mom did warn me of this & say all there is to say to one who has not yet received this gift of parenthood 
"you will understand when you have your own children." 
Mom, I understand & the journey has just begun.